I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
