maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
