After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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