His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize