I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
