Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
