I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
