You smell like stripper and shame
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
