Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
