have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
