Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
