We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
