i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
