how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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