i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
