the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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