Are we in a gay sports bar?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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