I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
