I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
false alarm. still invincible.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
