Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
