Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
