He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
