ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
