she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
