I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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