someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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