1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
