Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
