Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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