Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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