omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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