Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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