I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
