My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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