how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
