I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
