we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
