I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
