I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
