Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
