I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
