I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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