I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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