i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Randomize
