I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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