i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Let's paint friendship bongs
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
