she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
