a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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