Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
