I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
