The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Girls should come with a carfax report
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
