Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
