All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
