Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
