She is in my trunk
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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