I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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