Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
