I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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