Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
