Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
this boner is exhausting
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
