He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
