just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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