Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize