You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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